Are men, according to society, always to be the stronghold in the family? When all comes tumbling down, they the ones that are supposed to be there. When their own lives are taking a headfirst dive from a cruising altitude of 35,000 feet, are they supposed to stay in control?

Yes, as a husband and father, I am to be the rock of our family. While lately that has been the case with all of the changes taking place, I have been dealing with my own internal struggles that reached a tipping point.

There is the loneliness, which is caused not by my wife, but by me. I feel this way because part of our life has changed. The amount of time that we spent together dropped dramatically. It was expected once school started and I was not fully prepared for that particular part of this new journey. I was ready to be there and support her through school.   I had not mentally prepared myself for the amount of time that she would need to study.

To start of my week while coping with the glass case of emotion that I was in (I was not yelling into a phone in a phone booth in the middle of San Diego), a death in the family occurred, along with the loneliness filled up the bottom two-thirds of the case. Working in the news industry way back (3 months ago), death during that time of my life was second nature. Some people may have thought that I was cold-hearted with no emotions during death. Part of that was true, working in news we found our own ways to cope with the events/news stories that we saw on a day-to-day basis. However, I am no longer in news. It has been three months since covering the latest homicide in the city. I have not been fighting with other news stations to interview the family of a shooting victim. Dealing with this has been interesting, the emotions are different. Hard to describe.

That night, while hanging out watching the Kid play with his new truck and catching up with Hot Mama, the Kid decided to pick up a fishing net (the edges are wire) and in a fit of joy, was swinging it and hit Hot Mama in the back of the neck by accident. He could not have hit her in a better spot because now she has an inflamed nerve that is causing her pain. This came on a day in which I really needed someone to talk to, someone who I know would care. I just needed to talk and know that everything was going to be ok. Instead, I put my emotions to the side to take care of her. I have done it before so I did it again. This filled the glass case full.

There I was trying to deal with my own struggles and I was called up to take care of someone elses. I had to take care of my family. As a husband I had to be there for my wife. As a father I needed to be there to take care of my son. I could not let what was eating me up inside bother me. I had to push it aside.

When is it my time? I have an incredible wife and son! I realize that I have just had an incredible career fall into my lap and what more could I ask for? My boss just the other day gave me the biggest complement. She told me other companies are asking for my contact info trying to take me away from my job but she has told them that they can not have me! Is that it? Do I need to be more humble and realize that maybe that is it? Have I gotten everything I am going to get? Will there be more?

Until these questions are answered, I will need to continue to be the stronghold of my family. Am I put in these situations because I am to be the person to count on?

About The Rookie Dad

I am husband and father foremost. Secondly, I am a PBS producer and contribute to Traveling Dads and Dads Round Table.

Posted on August 29, 2012, in Fatherhood and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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