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Loneliness


The house is empty.  There is a glow from the TV as a baseball game is on or some form of sports is being played.  There is a man laying on the couch, beer in his right hand and remote in his left.  Pictures of his family plaster the wall.  His son smiling down upon him.  His wife looking at him through the pictures with those loving eyes. He looks at them and it hits him just how much he loves his family and wishes that they were there.  He is enjoying the peace and quiet but yearning to have his companion and confidant there with him.

Many husbands can relate to this.  Many of us want to spend time by ourselves, alone, and with our thoughts. It is almost cathartic to spend time with ourselves or with other men and just being a man.  This can only last for so long though. Husbands dedicate their lives to their wife and family, whether it is through working or being a stay-at-home-dad.  But we need the time to be a man, to sit in front of the TV in our underwear watching reruns of Cheers. Many husbands on TV shows are portrayed as a man who only talks negatively about his wife behind their back.  But in reality that is simply not true, OK at times though maybe that statement has some truth to it.  We want to spend time with our wife and kids.

Photo Credit (Site Post Office)

I was prepared as much I thought I could be for my wife’s transition into law school.  However, I was not prepared for the lonliness.

As she hits the books, I am in our office either writing a blog post, doing a Hangout with some of my other dad friends, getting caught up on other blogs, or tweeting.  Basically, keeping myself busy. I know that I could be in the living room with her as she reads about Torts but while she is studying, she is a brick wall.  Understandable, I was prepared for that and I never could be mad at her for that.  I knew it was coming, however, the part that I was not prepared for was how much time apart it would require.  Technically, we are not apart, we are in the same room.  The touch and voice is not there.  I can not lay there and watch TV as she lays her head on me and reads about some criminal court case.  We can not do some of the things that we used to before she started law school.

There was a moment at work the other day when it hit me.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  I want to spend some time with her! I want to be able to hold her, tell her about my day, about how I almost fell asleep in front of my boss during a webinar right after lunch.  Yet, before she started school I was wanting to spend time huddled away on the computer or watching sports.  Now, I have it, I want to give it back to whomever I got it from.

For the next three years though, she is hitting the books.  This will be our life.  I will be finding things to keep myself busy to suppress the feelings of loneliness.  There is nothing she can do about that, I do not resent her at all for her choice.  I am there to support her in any way that I can. She is doing this to better our family to be able to do things that we are unable to do now.  For me to be able to tell stories on whatever platform will be popular in three years.  She is doing this for us, for the Kid, for the family.  That is what I have to remember during this time.  I have to remember that her love for me has not stopped, it is still there, yearning for the same thing that I am wanting, to spend time with each other and our family.

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About The Rookie Dad

I am husband and father foremost. Secondly, I am a PBS producer and contribute to Traveling Dads and Dads Round Table.

Posted on August 23, 2012, in Fatherhood and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. Aw. Yes, change can shake you like that, especially that moment the magnitude of it hits. But I promise, in time change will become the norm and you will just… get used to the loneliness. Alt least that’s what I’m telling myself (different scenario, just got out of a relationship and he left the state), doesn’t make it much easier until one day it just … is. Hang in there!

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