The UnSoccer Mom

Here is an experience that my wife had a couple weeks ago…

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I had a humbling experience last weekend: I went to one of my student’s soccer games with my 6 month old son. This was William’s first soccer game and my first as a parent with a kid in tow. In the span of an hour, I would discover that I am an UnSoccer Mom.

William, I’d like to apologize in advance that I will never be the type of mother who can begin and end the day in the same outfit. I will always have flyaways even with the use of hairspray. And I do not take “travel-ability” into account when choosing snack foods.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, then you’ve probably never attended a kiddie soccer game. The Soccer Mom is to child-rearing what Martha Stewart is to homemaking: perfectly coiffed, gives lots of advice, and has tons of ideas that you’ll never get around to copying.

I should have realized that I was in for an educational experience when I drove the only compact car in the parking lot. Apparently a requirement for being a Soccer Mom is having a vehicle that can transport 7 people and 5 suitcases without a problem. I am an UnSoccer Mom.

I got my next clue before I was even out of the parking lot (which was gravel by the way). As I popped the trunk on my Civic, I realized I didn’t have a Soccer Mom stroller. I pulled my $15 Costco umbrella stroller out and ungracefully struggled to set it up while UberMom 3 cars down pulled out an all-terrain stroller and unfolded it one-handed while chatting on the phone. UnSoccer Moms only bring one type of stroller without considering the terrain and practically need an instruction manual to get it to unfold. I am an UnSoccer Mom.

At this point, I’m still pretty smug that I remembered to put a thermos of water in my bag before I left in case I need to make a bottle without access to a clean sink. UnSoccer Moms don’t make bottles with special electrolyte-enhanced water…we use the tap. I am an UnSoccer Mom.

So I get to the field and realize that there are no bleachers. I guess I’ll just have to sit on the grass. “Good thing I’m just wearing cutoff jeans,” I thought. UnSoccer Moms can’t sit on grass in pastel capris without getting stains. I am an UnSoccer Mom.

Apparently one reason Soccer Moms never get grass stains is because they rarely sit on the grass. Once the game got underway, I realized I was the only Mom without camping equipment. Every person there had their own folding camp chair with cupholders, the kind that come in the nylon carrying sling. A few even had souped up models with their own miniature umbrella….Umbrella. Sun. CRAP! I forgot sunscreen. I am an UnSoccer Mom.

After the game, I slunk to the parking lot with my tail between my legs, desperately avoiding the disapproving looks of the other Moms who remembered sunscreen, electrolyte water, and camp chairs. Next time, I’ll be prepared…I hope.